My husband and I have struggled to be on the same page sexually. In years past, I would have characterized myself as having a high sex drive and my husband as having a low sex drive. After 10 years of marriage praying, learning to communicate, working through issues, forgiving repeatedly, and taking steps to always be as vulnerable with each other as possible, God has done some amazing things in the last two years.
Healing in your sex life begins with yourself. You cannot force or even encourage your husband to change, be broken, or heal (whatever the case may be) no matter how much you want him to. The Holy Spirit who lives and dwells within him can be the ONLY AGENT of change in your husband's life! :0) Pray that the Holy Spirit would actively show you your own heart and how He desires change in and through you. Submit yourself to Christ and ask Him to complete you in every way--even with your sexual drive.
You see, Jesus is the ONLY thing that can satisfy our every need--even sexually. You will grow depressed if you keep waiting for your husband to fulfill your needs. Trust me. When you look to Christ for every need and desire, it gives you COMPLETE freedom to be able to serve your husband without needing anything in return or without thought of yourself. Read The Meaning Marriage by Tim Keller --it will bless your soul--it has become one of the most influential books for my marriage and my life.
It may be that your husband finds himself trapped--just like my husband did. He had been addicted to porn as a young man and by the time we got married he had so ruthlessly fought the addiction, that he was trapped by fear. He was so afraid of falling back into it, that he steered clear of anything that hinted at desire. Thus, killing his sex drive. He also had an incredibly stressful job, and had gained a lot of weight--all of which has added to his low sex drive. I on the other hand, had struggled with other addictions (eating disorder, depression, etc) and didn't know how damaging the porn (even though it wasn't a current issue) was to our marriage. We ran through the same cycle of arguments, anger, hurt, and pain, over and over again, all related to our sex life. "WHY IS THIS SO HARD????" I would cry out in my soul, night after night. This distance between us, physically, began to take its toll and I slipped back into my old habits. We both lived for years, feeling alone, abandoned, ugly, and unwanted.
THEN HOPE BROKE THROUGH.
Our culture isn't fair to men. I really am so sad at this broken world we live in. Women have to fight the curse too, don't get me wrong, but the West is definitely anti-men. Did you know that our husbands are bombarded with sexual images everywhere they go, that by the time they come home to us, they are exhausted from fighting. Then, in Christian culture, our husbands strive to be pure, honor us, cherish us, and they often feel like failures--like they can never get it right. We in turn are fed the lie that Romance is chocolate, flowers, gifts, and exotic dates, which inhibits us from truly appreciating the incredible gift of Biblical romance, leaving us with unfulfilled expectations and countless disappointments. So how did our marriage and our sex get better?
I gave him permission.
Yes, you heard me right. I gave him permission. You see, he had spent so much of his younger years fighting the addiction of lust, with good Christian books and accountability, but Satan was still lying to him. I wanted to watch him admire me with complete freedom. I wanted him to tell me honestly what he thought of me and my body and how he was attracted to me and admired me. I wanted to see him stumble over his words, when I came to the marriage bed. But he believed that kind of thinking was gross, earthly, and that I couldn't possibly want him to share what he REALLY thought, or act like he REALLY wanted to--and so, he turned that part of him off. He was so afraid of hurting me or taking advantage of me that he ignored that side of him completely.
So what happened after I gave him permission? A new cycle was born. He began to believe me that I REALLY wanted to know him inside. He began to take hold of this new freedom to be himself with me. Then, he began to open up and tell me his thoughts about me. I in turn, began to believe his words about me, and trust that what he said about me and my body were true. Then I began to embrace the freedom to be myself with him, and the cycle continued. He gained new energy mentally, physically, and spiritually throughout the day. When he fantasized about me, he was at rest, and he didn't have to fight lust as he once did. I became more secure in my body and my relationship with him, and suddenly all my needs for romance and intimacy were met--ALL my desires were completely fulfilled in him. We no longer fought about our sexual relationship. Can you believe it? Our marriage went from lonely to fulfilling and so much like the marriage we find in Song of Solomon.
A good read on giving permission to your husband is For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn.
With the help of the Holy Spirit, and the refining nature of marriage, my husband and I are continually in the process of learning more about each other, learning how to communicate our feelings and desires, and fully embracing the freedom that Christ offers us all first in Himself and then in our spouse. Embrace the fulness of redemption--we were created to be naked and unashamed before each other and our God, to know fully and to be fully known.
All this to say, it won't happen overnight, but God wants to do much through you and in you in your marriage, and especially in your sexual relationship. Christ desires to fully heal both you and your husband from the brokenness of your sinful flesh and from mistakes made in the past. But, I also realize, as I have spent the greater part of the last 10+ years counseling people in the area of sexual intimacy and intimacy related issues (including abuse), that everyone is unique. Things that work for some couples don't work for others, and Jesus doesn't usually give complete freedom immediately from the things that entangle and ensnare us. Sometimes it is prudent to ask others for help, and sometimes going to a counselor gives the right kind of deep healing. If you feel like you need to talk to someone else on a deeper and more specific level, I would encourage you to check out Twelve Stones.
Many blessings, sweet wives. May the God of Hope give you great healing in your marriages today.
--Kristin
